Romantic Relationships:

Looking for love in all the wrong places… (looking for love in too many faces)?

Do you know people who experience their romances like “déjà vu”?  You know.. over and over again?  You may see them regularly or periodically.  When one relationship breaks up and they get into another one, the similarities between this current relationship and the last one become glaringly similar.  It seems your friend (or you) is in the same relationship, but with a different person (each time around).  The truth is that people attract similar personality types into their lives, over and over again, which can lead to one unsatisfying relationship after another.   The problem is that "where ever we go, there we are."   We often repeat behaviors hoping that maybe, the next time will be different.  The result is that, even though a new relationship will be with a different person, it will probably still have some (or most) of the same dysfunctional elements as previous relationships.

Do you know people who experience their romances like “déjà vu” all over again?  You may see them periodically, but when you do they appear to be in the same place but with a different person – each time around.  Often people attract similar personality types into their lives, over and over again which may lead to one unsatisfying relationship after another.  If being with that type of person did not work out in the past, that same type of person will probably not work out in the future.  The problem is that people are creatures of habit.  We often repeat behaviors hoping that maybe, the next time will be different.  The result is that, even though a new relationship will be with a different person, it will probably still have some (or most) of the same dysfunctional elements as previous relationships, because “wherever you go, there you are.”

You may know that your friend is doing everything perfectly to create what she is currently experiencing, but you have no way to tell her.  People are not wrong, stupid or bad., they are just repeating the only behavior they know.  A lot of what most people (who experience relationship problems) are doing, is (for the most part) out of their awareness.  The same thoughts, feelings and behaviors they have carried with them from childhood are still working on them, along with the wounds from the recent past.  People change when they've had enough pain and realize that 1) they want to change, that 2) those changes are within their control, that 3) only they can make those changes, 4) and that the time for change is now. 

Healing from romantic relationship problems often involves taking a look at personal, family, work and social relationships. Group therapy can help people become aware of what their behaviors are and the effect those behaviors have on others.  Members can decide what changes they want to make.   In Group, time is spent searching for who one "really" is – not who one "wishes to be".  Communication skills are learned and practiced.   Self-awareness is encouraged; healing and hope come naturally, and most people find it challenging and often fun. 

Helping women become fully aware of themselves and what they really need and want in romantic relationships can go a long way in preventing future divorce and the heartbreak it brings.  Making a relationship commitment that is informed and complete helps build strong families, neighborhoods and communities.

So when you see your friend who is in the grips of another relationship failure, you may gently want to explain to her that romantic relationship problems are very common and that there is help available which can lead the way to a much brighter future.

Vikki Hoobyar, M.S. is a “happily married”, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Sequoia Counseling Services in Redwood City.  She holds a weekly therapy groups for adult women and can be reached at (650) 363-0249 ext. 115.